India Journal

31 December 1973 to 20 January 197; by Karl Riley

The author, formerly on the faculty of New York University, spent many years studying Western psychology and Zen Buddhism. by Karl Riley

31 December

Felt the sweetness during the wild taxi ride from the airport. At the ashram – a bed in a room – watching Master in conference on His roof. Then down to the darshan room at 3:30 p.m. for meditation. The meditation is charged, in waves. Everything is accelerated. Master comes in at 9 p.m. So simple, a few words, the soft subtlety of His gentle and quick face, reassurance: I was ready to be afraid; instead I relax – melt is more the word. And so good night; tea and fruit, two old friends and I, New Year’s Eve, and tomorrow the New Year begins.

1 January

New Year’s Day. Four a.m. bell, up to meditate. Such a peaceful sleep on the hard Indian mattress. Sleepy first meditation, then an infusion of Love; waves or rays. It is like a northerner in winter going to the tropics and basking in the sun. But this is a different sun. It gives off rays of pure Love, which penetrate thick walls. And the wonder of it is that this sun is in the form of an old man. So our eyes tell us.

Morning Meditation – Amrit – Darshan – Master saw a new face – me – and asked when I had come. I didn’t know He meant me; He seems to be looking through or above one. A talk on the New Year – so simple, truthful, how can we ignore these words? God has gone to the extent of giving us these ringing golden words; can we not hear and heed? Have a high ideal before you, He says. If you have a ruling passion for God, and do your part, God will help you. If your ideal is to jump ten feet, at least you will jump four or five. So have the highest ideal. God sees a man is running, doing his best, He will help him.

But the man sitting by the roadside, God will pass him over. Tale of two boys late for school. One sits by the roadside praying. The other runs and also prays. Which will reach school first? If a man does not wish to change his life, even God is powerless to change it. Put in as much time as possible, with due regard to your obligations. Keep regular and have that ruling passion.

Who can describe Master’s face, the face of simple Truth, laying itself in front of us with no force, for us to choose. Are you afraid? He said. Then go ahead. Do it. And see by the end of the year where you stand. Saints did not drop down from Heaven; They were men first.

Dear Master, how can I not follow You, the Soul of Love and Truth personified? Is there any other course?

Evening darshan – A new initiate spoke of all her difficulties in meditation – self-doubt, impatience, etc. Master answered so patiently. How to convey the message of His manner? The simplicity of it, the surety of it. Do it correctly, accurately, you’ll go up. He will not give sympathy to the difficulties. We make the difficulties. The reality lies in the childlike simple act of gazing with eyes closed.

What is your work?

He asked,

Your personal work? To rise above body consciousness.

So this is our number one task, first in order of importance. Is there any room on this path for wasted time, aimless socialising, thoughtless activity, or leisure? Is there a hint of laxness in Master’s being? We must be about our work.

All meditations here continue to be infused with Master’s charging. Three months in this atmosphere is almost inconceivable. The bud must open.

2 January

Morning – Oh, what is this here? An ancient river of compassion, that we stand in over our heads. Sitting watching Master gives darshan to Indians outside. The Love that welled up – what is it? – ancient – beyond the knowledge of intellect – the head is going under.

How can I ever leave God’s presence?

Morning darshan – Good questions. A man asked whether when we encounter obstacles in life to accept them as destiny and the will of God or to try to overcome them.

Master asked,

When you come on something, can you discriminate whether it is destiny or …? I think not.

Only when you rise above astral to causal can you see what is destiny. So you must do your best and leave the rest to God. Even the man who knows, he must still act, as an example to others.

Once Master’s daughter was ill, He related. He saw she must go, but for the sake of others, He got the doctor, went for medicine. In the middle of the night she left. So do your best, and leave the result to God. Work is worship. Pay off your debts dutifully, as worship.

He gave the example of the Saint and his follower in the desert with their camels at the end of the day.

The follower said,

Why not let them roam? – it is all God’s will as to what happens.

The Saint said,

Yes, but first bind their knees; then let them roam.

About non-initiates and initiates meditating together: First, if all are sitting in sweet remembrance, that’s all right; no conflicting ripples. But in the case of non-initiates, if they have understood the theory and are after that thing, that’s all right. But if they have not understood the theory and do not understand about withdrawal, if they should happen to withdraw they may be frightened; that’s all. So they must understand the theory.

Also, Master said some people meditate better in a group, some alone. It is an individual matter.

About a man’s son who is initiated for Sound but is living with his mother and does not meditate much: you take the responsibility – before sitting to eat you sit with him for meditation. A child’s mind is restless. He sees what you see in meditation but he does not know what to do.

He who loves God treats all alike: no high, no low.

One can sense Master’s imminent coming to the darshan room, either as unexpected Light in meditation or as waves of Love.

Midday – During a walk something was coming clear. What is the message of Master’s being, His manner? Utterly at home. Why? Because He comes to teach us what is already here. We are all swimming in it. And this is all Master is telling us. It is here. Open your eyes.

You are all children of Light. God is all Light. Look into the darkness in front of you. Light is there. Look like a child, straight in front. Your veil will thin and you will see what is there. And when you awaken further you will see you are swimming in it. Is there any wonder Master is jolly? And completely relaxed. It is all here. Nowhere to go. Will eternity disappear? So we can join Him when we wish.

Evening – Master was teaching me how to gaze inside today without tension. After four and a half years of strain, can this be the end of it? It seems so.

Master is constantly showing us how – in His poise, gentle and energetic, but balanced energy, never exerted and off centre. Never stuck in a pattern, a pose. His expression dances, ever free, using words as hints toward the understanding beyond words.

Do you understand my point?

Do we? We catch at it. We catch some of it, and that so precious. Jewel Master, flashing!

3 January

Morning – Well, dear journal, dear Master’s journal, I don’t know how long the words will last. It is Love, you see, and how say that? Sing! Mind has followed as far as it can, seeking to comprehend, desiring to encompass, possess, describe. But the time has come for Love to go its way. Sat Naam.

Afternoon – Ramji fixed whatever was wrong so our Light came on again in our room. As He came through the room, we asked, was it the fuse? Without slackening his happy pace he just answered, sing-song,

Let Master come in, Sat Naam!

Master told us this morning that we are here to improve our meditations. We should not spend our time in idle talk, gossip, or striking up friendships. Put in as much time as we can. In one, two, three months we can change. Keep sweet remembrance every moment.

Evening – A brother is having difficulty seeing, with much tension. It turns out he does see Light, but doesn’t think much of it. And he is tense with trying to see Light. Master explained the points.

He added,

Be thankful.

I have found this a key to Inner Gazing. If you see a little bit and accept it, as real if meager, it will grow, sprout forth. If you ignore or disregard it, you will remain blind, striving to see. So accept what is God’s gift. It will grow.

Master says,

Go jolly.

If we are thankful for what is given us, will we not be jolly?

4 January

Evening – If this were the only day, it would be all days put together. A sleepy morning meditation, breakfast, over to Master’s darshan room. Tension about the eyes, trying to find the key discovered a day or two ago. Then decided to ask Master’s Inner Help and just think of Him instead of meditational technique. And so His Love arrived, more and more, and the first Love tears fell. It seemed this was the True Practice, the Inner Secret. Techniques of meditation follow only out of loving obedience.

When Master came in for darshan, it was to tell us just this thing. When you remember Him, He remembers you. Sweet remembrance is the whole thing. The purpose of meditation is to develop constant Love for God, Master said. One hundred mothers and fathers do not have the Love the Master has for His children. How can I describe Master’s manner, His being, during this darshan? So soft, gentle, fatherly – and His eyes, giving that of which His words were mere hints.

Then evening darshan - no questions. And Master just gazed at us, His eyes moving from person to person, over and over, giving more than we can know.

At one point He referred to the Biblical passage where Christ says,

Eat me and drink me,

and He asked, What does this mean?, with the softest twinkle in His eye. Near the end of this long silent darshan, one lady who was to leave that night found her head bowed down at Master’s feet. He looked at her deeply for several moments, then patted her twice on the head, saying,

Be up.

She came back to sitting posture. Then He lowered His eyes to look at her for several long still moments. Later He mentioned to go jolly, those who are leaving. Can one ever forget this darshan?

5 January

Another day of increasing Love from Master. The Grand Thaw continues. More Light in evening meditation than ever before. So clear that He is doing it. I guess that’s the point.

Master says in concentrating don’t select a point, but look in a smallish area in the middle. He makes a circle with fingers and thumb.

I feel I am making a little seat for Master, a little throne inside my head, and asking Him please to come in. I would be pleased if He would remain there all day.

New arrivals every day. Looking scared to death and speechless, often. But they will soon find what a love nest they have stumbled into.

Some ladies staying together in one room reported to Master they saw golden Light streaming down while meditating, and when they opened their eyes they saw It in the room, streaming through the ceiling. One of them was reporting this in a very animated way, and Master said,

Your lips are saying more than your words. Control yourself, please.

Constant hints as to the state of poise we must attain. And the greatest visible hint is Master’s own being. Master’s eyes …

6 January

At breakfast a lady was mentioning her difficulty with left ear sound compounded by an ear infection, and another lady said that it might change just by being here. She – age 65 – said that before initiation she had had for some time a painful lump on her body, but had had so many former operations she had decided that if this were her time to die, that was all right. When she came back from initiation she was lying down and noticed the pain was gone.

She looked at her side and found a little indentation where the lump had been. She also mentioned that a later time, another tumour disappeared during meditation, once again leaving a small indentation. This time she felt a sensation like an electric charge start at her finger, go up her arm and down her body to the site of the tumour. When she looked down it was gone. This is a very humble lady and obviously not given to exaggeration.

Evening – I hunger for Master’s darshan now, thirst for that sweetness through the eyes. It is my food; I must have it. What Grace pours from His eyes! Who knows what golden river we drink from as we gaze? But the more we drink, the more we thirst.

To let attention dissipate during the day is so painful now. This ashram is a beehive of activity. Workmen and women are all over, building upper stories on the existent structures with bricks and then stucco. All night long the work goes on. Many people arriving now. To go from meditation or darshan to all this noise and movement in the usual outgoing way is disastrous. So we learn to control the attention more. More and more control is needed. Only constant remembrance can do this, and keep us jolly besides. We must become centres of jolliness – not sociality – and only Master can give this to us, through remembering Him.

8 January

Morning – Yesterday a darshan – how that word brings forth a sweetness! – with many questions answered. Definite instructions upon hearing an Inner Voice: don’t pay heed but ask it to appear to you. The negative entities will not, but lesser Masters, etc., from the lower planes, may. If they appear, repeat the five names; only if it stands trust it. Often the Negative Power will imitate the Master’s voice and in other ways pretend to be Him, in order to mislead the initiates.

About posture: Yogis sit straight but with some tension. We also sit straight, the body at right angles, so that when leaving the body we do not fall over. But there should be no tension anywhere; head and neck quite relaxed. An initiate said she could not sit straight without feeling tension. Master replied that in that case she could sit where floor and wall come together at right angles.

Concerning whether work performed for pay could be selfless service – such as nursing, etc. – Master replied that if you do your duty diligently with no idling or slacking off in any way, and performed as worship, that is selfless service. But keep sweet remembrance of Him all day; then everything becomes service. Master constantly repeats the advice to put in as much time as possible in meditation. There is no mistaking the import of this emphasis.

About looking into the Light: at first we cannot look into it for long. But we must learn to look for longer and longer, without a break. This is the key to further way up.

Master says live in the foxhole of the brain and work through the body.

Thoughts on the vigor which one feels here, either in others or oneself: to begin to operate from the eye focus is to begin to feel oneself a man, that is to say, a centre independent of what may be happening around one, drawing one’s sustenance from above and giving it out rather than pulling in from all around for one’s sustenance. Sweet remembrance is the source, remaining at the eye focus the essential mechanism.

A friend used to say he saw all people as either vacuum cleaners or non-vacuum cleaners. Now I understand what he meant. In last night’s darshan someone said they were feeling so much bliss from intoxication that they couldn’t concentrate well in meditation.

Master asked,

Which do you prefer?

He answered,

I don't know.

Master just went on to mention that that intoxication is Master’s Grace.

This morning’s darshan was so gentle. Master eliciting questions, answering fully and with parables.

What is needed is perseverance, and also chastity of thought, He said. Chastity is the gold, and perseverance the hammering that forms the bowl. If we have the gold, but do not use the hammer, nothing is formed.

Master emphasised making disciplined use of the night. All who reached the True Home utilised the nights. Generally we spoil our nights, from six to six, by idle talk, eating, sleeping, etc. Masters go around at night distributing Grace to those that sit awake in meditation. But generally they find that most are asleep or in a drowny state.

In regard to drowsiness and difficulty of concentration, Master repeated the story of the Guru who answered every complaint with look to your stomach.

So for utilising the nighttime, eat sparingly if at all at evening time.

Evening – A strong darshan dealing with complaints. Master tries to wake us up by not accepting our excuses or even our self-condemnations.

Just do it,

is His constant message. Many do not understand, but it appears there is an important esoteric meaning to these words. When a Master says something we should pause and consider the meaning, as at Lord Vishnu’s table when he said, eat, but don’t bend your elbows.

Master says, don’t say ‘I’ll try,’ just do it! He is giving us a hint concerning the power of the attention.

You are all micro-Gods,

He tells us. In practice this means sitting in meditation with the aim of solving an incorrect aspect of our practice, and calling on Master to help.

One may be surprised to find that progress takes place.

At another point Master said that sitting long hours without accuracy is not as helpful as fifteen minutes accurately done. But sitting inaccurately is better than not sitting at all.

That will count, but not for promotion,

He added, always with a chuckle.

Master was asked whether meditating in a room with others sleeping or on one’s bed is made difficult by sleep vibrations.

He replied,

That depends on (a pause, looking down) your meditation. When you sit in an air conditioned room, are you bothered by the heat outside?

Another asked whether it is helpful to meditate with the hands in an attitude of supplication. Master replied that God is spirit and must be worshipped by spirit in man. Why not do it direct? – instead of giving attention to the hands. This answer might be seen to be the answer to many similar questions concerning aids to Spirituality. The Path of the Masters is direct, going straight up the mountain, disregarding many tenets of what might be called laws of human nature. True, without the Master’s help such a course might be premature or disastrous, but with the Master’s help it is not only correct but successful. Simplicity wins, as God is simple. But these are delicate points, as Master sometimes says, not easily pinned down by words.

9 January

Afternoon – This morning Master was asked about the seeming impossibility of silencing the mind. He replied that we are attention, and the mind works so long as our attention gives it life. Withdraw the attention, no mind. So it is all very simple. Stop watering the old garden and simply water the new. So our task is one of putting the attention wholly and solely in the middle of what we see before us, with eyes closed.

Reflecting on this, I see how during the day here I allow this precious attention, the outward expression of the soul, to be pulled down to the level of literal seeing and attachment to sense objects. No wonder it is difficult to bring it all back in and to a point. So that if I wish to avoid this constant suffering of feeling one’s soul dissipated out, a vigilant and disciplined way of life is necessary here in this buzzing ashram. Not a single word spoken more than is necessary or helpful to others. Not a moment wasted in idling or listening to other unnecessary conversations. Remembrance, and as much meditation as there is time for. We shall see.

Evening darshan – After a two-hour meditation in which I vacillated between effortful gazing and pulling back toward poise, it occurred to me to ask Master to speak about effortless effort. It is clear that He likes to be asked questions like this.

Effortless effort is when no question of doership remains,

He began. He went on to explain the saying,

God helps those who help themselves,

in terms of meditation. When we follow Master’s instructions in meditation, that is helping ourselves. When through our effort we come near the place, He reaches and drags us up. Master showed this with His hands. Our effort should be such that in the process we forget ourselves.

Then He pulls us up. As for effortless effort, Master simply illustrated by closing His eyes and sitting back. So simple.
No question of doership. We must become Conscious Co-Workers of the Divine Plan.

11 January

Morning – Yesterday Master used the phrase, where there is a will there is a way. Perhaps this explains what He is asking us to do in overcoming our meditation difficulties. Start out with a will and a way will open up, with Master’s Grace. We in the West are used to saying, All right, show me a way and I’ll apply some will towards it. But we must learn to be braver and more prayerful. This is a heroic path, for devout knights of the Holy Quest.

Master is quite ‘tough’ with those who say they see nothing. It seems clear it is a most merciful toughness, for He is using a kind of surgery to break us away from some most damaging attitudes: one, that of complaining (Master says never complain; on the other hand, He says always be grateful – for our own sake, let alone the sakes of those around us. Does God need our thankfulness? No; but we most certainly do); and two, the negative idea ‘I don't see anything.’

Master always asks, do you see pitch darkness? That is something, you see; it is not nothing. Usually it turns out that there is something happening within the darkness. So that is something to go on. If one concentrates on that, Light will sprout forth. But if one sits with an attitude that one is not seeing anything, what can come from that? Or if one sees Light and says, oh but that is from the window or the lamp, once again one misses the boat. Whatever the source, look into the middle of it with full attention and Inner Light will come, with Master’s Grace. One might call it negative looking and positive looking. Some of us are afraid of being deluded. It is our scientific upbringing. By this attitude the necessary childlike concentration is prevented and we remain blind.

Never mind, be deluded; learn to concentrate without any tension anywhere in the body, and True Seeing will begin; and then we will see what is delusion and what is reality.

A telephone call came for Master yesterday during darshan. He took it, and squinted His eyes so that they were almost completely closed during the whole conversation. Giving His attention completely to the other end of the line.

Evening darshan – An initiate asked Master about His words.

Silence is golden.

He asked if it were not possible for one who is silent to spread an atmosphere of coldness around him. Master replied, do you mean silence of the mind or silence of the tongue? It is our mind, our heart which must be silent.

We are not to retire to the jungle. We must be in the world. But we must choose our words carefully: is it necessary, is it true, is it kind? Before speaking, consider the effect your words will have. And then Master asked.

What is there to say?

12 January

Morning – At last, again, a long silent darshan. Master is our food, our air. His eyes give us life. Looking in His gently moving eyes is like swimming in liquid Love. And then they pull back and up. Is He showing us how to withdraw? Who knows what He is teaching us?

At the same darshan, a more receptive brother was seeing a splendour of Lights flooding from Master to those present. There is a description of this kind of lumination in the Surangama Sutra, arcing between Buddha and His disciples.

13 January

Evening darshan – Master had a very hoarse throat. Someone mentioned it and Master replied in effect that if one violates the laws of nature, nature must be paid. After a pause, He added,

Sometimes lower things must be sacrificed for higher.

At one point the lights all went out. There was a general reaction, but Master’s manner does not change at all. What matter if the outer lights go out? We had a beautiful darshan. Master spoke of Love. He mentioned to a Sikh sitting near Him that the chapter on separation, and one other, from His book ‘Gurumat Sidhant,’ should be translated into English. He mentioned that learning alone is not sufficient for translating Spiritual Works, as there are some points which can be misstranslated by one without Inner Knowledge.

The Sikh follower told us that when Master read the chapter on separation to Baba Sawan Singh, there were some caustic remarks from some of the forty Inner Circle disciples. They said this is some fiction; what are these pangs of Love? The Master replied that one must experience it to know what it is.

14 January

Noon – My cough-cold is coming to a climax of shivering. So many of us are living through hunks of karma in this way. In a talk on forgiveness this morning Master said,

Love knows no embarrassment with the words it uses.

Father may say to the child ‘naughty.’ Is that not a bad word? But it is said in Love, you see. That is the purpose behind it.

16 January

Morning – High fever on the 14^th. Recovering now. No longer sleep more than an hour at a time at night, and that sitting up. Cough persists. Master mentioned that only time spent in contact with Light or Sound counts. The rest is preparation. So learn to stay with the Light longer. He gave a most encouraging talk about our time here. He said we are here to learn to rise above body consciousness. The ABC of Spirituality starts from there.

Since He urges us to this so strongly, He obviously is holding abundant help above our heads, just waiting for us to do our part. To not try my utmost during the time I am here would be to throw away an opportunity that may not be offered again. So I must, even though at this moment, with this cough, my mind longs for familiar surroundings, clean air, good food, and cleanliness – and privacy, and so many things, as well as family and friends.

17 January

Noon – At darshan someone asked what is Bhanwar Gupha. Master’s face sparkled as He said it is a cave from which Light pours forth like a waterfall; the gateway to Sach Khand. And you realise, watching Him, that He knows it well. A satsangi mentioned that he had seen a cave of revolving lights – ‘incredible.’

Master chuckled,

So make your will.

This is a phrase Master uses to mean prepare yourself to leave the body during meditation.

Some days ago Master gave a beautiful talk on justice and forgiveness. It was very affecting. We need not concern ourselves with justice, keeping accounts, balancing accounts with others. Generosity and forgiveness seem to be of the same family. And it occurred to me that the most generous act of all is giving up body consciousness, which is to say abandoning body. On the other hand, stinginess is to hold on to the body tenaciously, even though we know we must give it up eventually. So if we desire to rise above body consciousness and begin the Spiritual Journey, we must start with opening the doors of generosity within us, for by this attitude we may transcend. We must give up everything – which is to say, attachment to every thing. Little by little, our grip must relax.

Evening darshan – I had almost decided to return home, due to persistent cough which will no doubt remain as long as smoke fills the air every night, and debilitating fever. But during this sweet darshan I could not consider leaving. At the same time, the cough seems better. I realise it is all in Master’s hands. And in the last two miserable days He has allowed me the first real progress in meditation since initiation. Master says that accurate meditation is that time spent in contact with Light and Sound.

Another time Master said,

Some people say Masters have hidden teachings. Nothing is hidden. It is all put before you.

Someone asked what parshad does. Master said take it and then sit for meditation. He then said parshad is that which is freely given out of joy and Love by the Master. But sometimes people ask for it, and it becomes expected, a ritual. He mentioned that was happening during the last world tour. That is no parshad.

It so happened that near the end of the darshan someone gave to Master a box of candies to be distributed as parshad. Master considered it, fingering a candy. Then He said, whoever takes one must put in one extra hour of meditation today; if two, two hours, etc.

And then He held the box out. But He would not give it out with His hands. We must take it ourselves. Contract candy. I did not go forward but drank in Master’s all-knowing face, ever buoyant, even when His children have just shown they did not understand His words as to what is True Parshad. One Indian lady cupped her hands and asked for Master to put it in. She was persistent. Finally Master said, No compulsion, and would not place it in her hands, but freely offered the box for all to take. One cannot demand Love. One will get something. But it will not be the true thing.

18 January

The plane from Washington has landed with 100 hopeful souls, many familiar faces, and Mr Khanna, who began his talk with I would like to thank … followed by Master, Who began His talk with Words cannot express what is in the heart. Heart speaks to heart … A most loving welcome and joyful reunion.

19 January

Later at darshan, so loving, so hard to describe how.

Master said,

There are no problems. It is we who make problems. To every difficulty there is a solution.

So Light. Spirituality is as Light as a balloon. Only the path to it is trodden in leaden shoes. After all, we are not used to truth, simplicity, singlemindedness, devotion, wholehearted Love for that which is the core of all things. But through the centring ability developed in meditation we can at last begin to taste the lightness of being fully at home. Meanwhile it is manifest in Master’s very being.

Individual darshan prior to leaving – My cough – later diagnosed as asthmatic bronchitis – can no longer endure the smoke of Delhi nights. But there are deeper reasons for leaving now, known fully only by Master, but it is right. How much time does lightning need to strike?

Well, sitting right by Master’s feet, gazing as a happy child into the Father’s jolly face, into the eyes that dispense from the very Source. How utterly happy!

Have your meditations improved?

Yes, Master. Most happily emphatic.

Any question, anything you have to say?

Yes, a question about a karmic relation, and Master’s answer which was the lightning, and in that moment changed the character of my stay from one of progress and much understanding, to a sudden turn-around and opening up of a very different way of life and Spiritual Growth. My mind was blown wide open, and great relief accompanied the new perspective.

Well, we shall see what Master can fashion out of His children.

There are no problems.

Can I refrain from treating them, away from Him?

Impossible is a word found only in the dictionary of fools,

Master often quotes.

Then – parshad freely given, and joyful leavetaking. A young lady also leaving hands Master a locket and asks Him to bless it. Master plays at trying to open it with His big thumbs.

What’s inside?

– A picture of You, Master.

He hands it back with blessing, but says,

You should keep Him locked in your heart.

Are you going, or your body is going?

Master asks the young lady. In joy I ask, will you come along? Master replies that when His Master left, He (Kirpal) said that He must come and do the work.

He has been coming ever since. All right; God bless you.

And our bodies part company, for the time being.