In the Lap of the Guru
With the Master in India, 1966, from the diary of Lala Howard
edited & expanded by Doris Yokelson
7 August 1966
At 8 a.m. Sunday we arrive at the Ashram and we are being led right into Master’s reception room. After a minute, Master comes out; more than ever before He looks to me like a giant – a Holy Giant.
Master says,
I am glad you have come; especially the baby.
His eyes are shining and deep.
An hour later it is time for the regular Sunday Satsang. The sun is very hot and bright. Some thousands of people are waiting for Maharaj Ji, praying, meditating, singing in refrain to the chanter who sings the bhajans or prayers to Master. Suddenly, bathed in bright sunlight, the Master appears in front of His porch, and then, instead of going directly to the dais, makes a walk all along the edge of the Ashram and cuts in to us right in the middle of the big crowd. He is apparently mainly interested in the baby and asks us if we brought the little travelling bed in which Mary is lying over with us from the United States.
8 August
Today Master is taking the Western visitors with Him to His retreat in Rajpur where He is due to get a much-needed rest. He had been running a fever for many days and had, in spite of this, been carrying the usual unbelievable work load. After the doctor had visited Him and told Him to get a complete rest, Master said to us,
Yes, I am getting a complete rest from rest.
He is constantly setting us an example.
He told us many times that He never ceases working in spite of His fever and overwork, so that we may know that we must never cease to press ahead and must never weaken.
Be bold,
He would say.
You are God in man, not the body.
Our luggage had been detained in London and trying to locate it postpones Master’s and our trip to Rajpur for a few hours. – Master had already held up making the trip until we arrived in order to take us along. The six hour trip to Rajpur, a suburb of Dehra Dun at the base of the Himalayas, gives us striking glimpses of India and the Indians. On the way, in Meerut, Master beamingly treats us to an ice cream which is served on a green leaf. A few minutes before this treat, I had casually mentioned to Tanya Shook – an initiate from Miami – that since nursing the baby I have had a craving for ice cream and would have loved to have had some at that moment. Master, being in the other car, of course did not hear this. Tanya said after we stopped, that Master had never treated them to ice cream before.
9 August
Today is my birthday – Lala’s – and the most glorious birthday I have ever experienced. At noontime in Rajpur, Master had asked me,
Do you remember your birth day?
– No,
I answered.
How do you know you were born? How do you know it’s your birth day? Anyone could come and tell you you were born.
Master was beaming. Then He said,
Everyday is your birthday.
Bibi gave Khuku some money to buy sweets for my birthday. I was to choose. I decided on mangoes with nutbutter and whipped cream. – As it turned out, we could have done without the latter.
Anyway, a whole big bowlful of this dessert is sitting in front of Master at the darshan at night. Master says,
I bless this food.
Usually present at the nightly darshans in Rajpur are: Bibi – Madame Hardevi –, Khuku – Princess Devinder Narendra –, Eileen Wigg, Jerry Turk and Tanya Shook from Miami, Florida, Lois Fager of California, Doris Yokelson, Jim, Mary in her green easy-chair and me. Tonight, Master directs His talk towards me – for the birthday’s sake. But at the same time He gives Jim and me something like a wedding talk.
He says to me,
Last year at your birthday you were single; this year you are married and have a child…
I am astonished that He remembers so well just when I was married – one person from among hundreds of thousands of initiates. He continues by saying how fortunate I am this year, and then He tells Jim and me in a strong and moving way what it means to be married and have children. Our marriage is to be the bond that will surround the child with Spiritual Growth. We feel just as if we are getting married by our Beloved Master.
I take this opportunity to ask Master about the baby’s Spiritual Developmcnt. Master says,
When the baby is in the womb of the mother, it is connected with the Light and Sound. At birth, the baby cries because it becomes largely disconnected from them. The child will, however, still experience Light and Sound until it becomes fully conscious. When it is four or five years old it will lose this experience.
To Jim’s question as to when Mary can be initiated, Master replies after a moment’s hesitation:
She is already initiated.
10 August
Master is giving Khuku some money to buy extra fruit for me – ‘because she is nursing the baby.’
12 August
I am quite sick with dysentery. Mool Raj, the homoeopathic doctor living at the Ashram who has come with us, says that Master went down-town to Rajpur to get some pomegranates for me. The Master comes to my bedside the first night as I am lying there with over 104° fever.
He says very seriously:
Mind you, you are not the physical body. You should not be drawn downwards by physical illness. Be jolly.
Doris tells me that at darshan that night, Master had said that we should be glad when we are sick, for then we have no obligations and plenty of opportunity for undisturbed meditations. If we are sick no one asks anything from us and we are not supposed to do even the usual work – we are completely free to meditate. Master had told the story of when He was a very young man before He was initiated – He became so ill that He had to remain in bed for days.
It was wonderful,
He said.
I left my body meditating. People thought I was unconscious. I was able to meditate undisturbed.
13 August
The second time Master comes to my bedside. He says almost roughly,
Are you better? Are you 50 or 75 per cent better?
I answer,
100 per cent.
Master laughs,
100 per cent!
As He is leaving He says,
God bless you.
Doris has also become ill with dysentery and has had a high fever. Master visits her as well. Her fever has gone down, but she has been left very weak.
Are you all better?
Master asks.
Mool Raj is in attendance. Wanting to give an accurate report, she says,
Much better, Master.
Master is quite firm, almost rough.
What percentage are you better?
– I don’t know, Master. Perhaps 80 per cent,
Doris answers. Master turns to Mool Raj.
What is her temperature?
He asks. It has gone down to less than 100°.
Do you know that my temperature is always over 99°,
Master asks Doris,
and I never stop working, day and night? You are well. Stop pretending.
For the next four days, Father visits us one or two times daily. After a surprise visit to us at noontime on the last day, we watch Him after He leaves us, returning to the main house along the garden paths, twirling a folded black umbrella in the sun.
16 August
The remaining party of Westerners are leaving today for Delhi.
Master and Bibi will stay one more week in Rajpur. Two days earlier, some of the Westerners had returned to the Ashram, for Lois Fager was returning to the Philippines. Before we leave at noon, Jim, Mary, Doris, Tanya and I sit at Master’s feet for an hour at the veranda before His room. It is a serene and radiant hour: Master’s eyes pour out all Love and warmth.
Througout all these days in Rajpur, Master had always asked Jim,
How is the patient?
or
How is she?
and I had felt a little egoistically sad that Master wouldn’t ask,
How is Lala?
by name. So I expressed this to Jim a few hours before we sat at Master’s feet at the veranda. As we are quietly sitting there, Master says out of the middle of nowhere:
Lala - is the name of a flower in the Hindi language.
Jim and I make movies of Master sitting in the cool shade of the porch in this precious hour. Minutes and minutes of His most radiant face. Master wonders if I have strength enough to do the filming and I say I have. After filming a good deal, Master asks me this again and this time I sit down at His feet on the steps before the veranda. Master asks me if the stones are not cold for me. I answer that I have just warmed them up and He laughs. He makes sure, however, that baby Mary is not touching any stone. Earlier, when I was walking barefooted over the gravel making movies, the gracious Master had wondered if the gravel was not too rough for my feet.
The car is almost packed. Master says,
Back in Delhi you won’t have so much rain as here in Rajpur.
– But here is the beauty of nature,
I reply. The Master says very tenderly,
The beauty of Love.
The roof of Master’s 1955 Studebaker station wagon is packed high with boxes and suitcases. Crowning the top is a commode for me – in case I should need it. Bibi is struck by how funny this looks and starts giggling with me, but Master remains serious and matter-of-factly says,
You won’t need it.
Saying goodbye to us, our Father calls softly to Mary,
I’ll keep you with me,
and turns to me,
Is that all right with you?
Bibi has piled cushions in the back of the station wagon and made a comfortable bed for Mary and me. After we are all sitting in the car, Master goes around it, checking all the doors to make sure that they are properly closed. When I have packed myself with baby in the back of the station wagon, Master closes the back door flaps behind me.
You are now imprisoned,
He laughs. He hovers around the car until we begin to move and watches us as we turn out the gate.
The trip back to Delhi appears to our little family nothing short of miraculous. When Master had said that we were to return to Delhi, neither Doris nor I could imagine how we could make it, what with the weakness and constant running. But we did know that if He said we were to go, it would all work out of its own accord. And it did. It was as if our bodies and ailments were all benumbed: until we reached Delhi, all pain and cramps and diarrhea disappeared, and the only thing we could feel was how pleasant the trip was and how good it was to be together. We picnicked along the way, eating the curd and rice that Bibi had cooked for us all, and the Indian men from the Ashram who were travelling with us jumped to serve us in every way they possibly could, in the service of our Father, the Master. Ram Saroop, our sweet driver, sang bhajans.
22 August
At night, 9 p.m., the Ashram gong is ringing wildly. We all run to Master’s porch: our Father has come back!
As we arrive a few moments later than the others, we hear Master already calling out,
Where is the baby? Where is her mother?
People are streaming onto the porch, radiant, greeting Master.
Master has a huge bowlful of popcorn brought to Him and doles out great scoopfuls of it for parshad. When I go to Him, He gives me two heaping handfuls:
The second for the baby,
He says.
23 August
Nightly darshan on Master’s porch – Master pulls Mary lying in her green seat-box over to Him.
Yes, yes, we know you are here,
Master says repeatedly every night whenever Mary starts raising her voice and calling out. He also says,
You are not forgotten,
or
Yes, yes, you are speaking,
and looks up in between to the parents with a bright face.
She will be speaking in two or three months,
He says.
Master shakes hands with Mary over and over so that she starts stretching out her right hand towards Him.
She is learning from me,
Master says laughingly.
She will have to pay me a tuition fee.
Tonight Master also tries to teach Mary to say, Mama, bending forward towards her and slowly saying,
Ma-ma, ma-ma.
Perhaps we should give a brief description of evening darshan at the ashram. The word darshan actually means the Love glance of Beloved Master either within or without, and it is for this glance that we sit before Master in the evenings before retiring. Usually present at these gatherings are the Western visitors, Stanley and Edna Shinerock and Eileen Wigg who are living at the Ashram, Khuku, her daughter Veera, some of the ashramites, a few of the initiates from Delhi and occasionally some special visitors from a far.
Often we must wait some time before Master is ready with some business He must attend to or has finished with private visitors. When He comes out He moves quickly to His chair, while greeting us, sits quietly for a few moments and then turns to ask us,
What’s new?
and looks at every single one. But seldom does anyone have anything to say: it is so all-absorbing just to sit at His feet and gaze into His eyes. To ourselves we think we must appear to be a dim bunch, for we sit silent and serious. It must strike Master this way as well, for He would often say:
Be jolly like our baby friend,
or
the baby is the only jolly one around,
and
the baby makes everyone dance.
During darshan every evening Dalip Singh, a striking old gentleman with a beard flowing like a yellow-white waterfall, comes to Master and silently shows Him the bookkeeping of the day. Master thumbs through the accounts and asks questions here and there. Bibi Hardevi does not accompany Master onto the porch, but remains in the reception room, glancing at us through the window, or in the kitchen, preparing Master’s meal: for sometimes Master eats quite late, when the work pressure has been great.
Of course, always whenever Master is standing, we stand, and when He sits, we sit. This caused a charming incident one night while we were waiting for Master’s darshan, Master was exceptionally busy that night and was literally dashing from one piece of business to another. In the course of going from here to there.
Master came out on the porch, and we all stood up, hands folded. Before we knew it, Master had disappeared back into the house and we all sat down. A few moments later, Master appeared again and we all stood up. Master looked at us quizzically for a moment and then exclaimed,
What’s this? A class? You are at home here. Sit down!
After Master has talked a while or sat silently musing with us, He will take out the wrist watch which He keeps folded in His pocket, glance at it and say,
That’s all right.
He stands, and with hands folded before His face, will go from one to another of us as He slowly returns to His room, sometimes smiling, looking into our eyes, sometimes saying a quick word:
Goodnight,
or
God bless you.
Evening darshan is over.
24 August
8:30 p.m. darshan in Master’s reception room –
Here is my friend,
says Master to Mary. He makes her take His hand over and over again.
Nobody can grab my hand the way she does,
He says.
You should make a film when she is talking to me,
Master says,
because in later years she should see that she sat in the lap of the Guru.
Master is rubbing Mary all over the top of her head.
Let’s keep her here. Do you think you could be without her?
Master asks me.
Yes,
is all I can answer because of tears.
25 August
Tonight at darshan in Master’s reception room, Mary falls asleep while looking at Master. Master muses as He watches all of us sitting silently, now that the baby has gone to sleep:
A baby makes all people dance.
When Master gets up to say good night, He bends down and touches Mary’s cheeks, saying,
I bless you.
26 August
Every night at 6:30 in the summer and 6 o’ clock in the autumn, evening prayer is held outside under a soft, moonlit sky. It begins with a reading from Master’s great book Gurumat Sidhant or with a tape of Master. By and by, Master comes out and sits on the bench listening to the reading and He begins to speak in a soft voice, heart to heart, with Great Love. The talks given at this time are some of the most sublime to be heard from the Master. It is startling how they never fail to touch on some baffling personal problem and to throw light on it, so that you know that the Master hears His children when they call for help.
This evening Master gives us a tip for meditation.
Before you go to meditate, sit down and pray. Pray for humility and devotion and that the Master may bless your meditation. After meditating, pray again. If you have had a good meditation, thank your Master for it; if you did not have a good one, thank your Master anyway – thank Him for having given you the Grace and occasion to meditate.
Master tells us that His Master Baba Sawan Singh Ji had often said that Grace flows richer at night. Sawan Singh used to describe the Master going from house to house in the middle of the night with a basket full of Grace for His initiates, trying to give it all away to them. But every door is locked on which He knocks; everyone is asleep. And so the Master has to return with His basket still full with the Grace that no one would accept.
At darshan on the porch, Mary falls asleep again at Master’s feet. Looking at her for a long while, Master says,
Like a monarch. Quite unconcerned.
He touches her cheek again for a goodbye, saying,
God bless you.
27 August
At darshan tonight, Master collects Mary’s hands and feet in His hands and lifts her out of her little green seat just like a bundle. Someone comments that the baby is learning so much these days. Master asks with a beam,
From whom is she learning?
– From You, Master,
Edna responds, and Master laughs.
Master then tells about King Akbar who wanted to know if there was a natural language from God. He took several children away from their parents and put them in a distant castle with only deaf and dumb people to serve them. After several years he had them brought to him to find out what they were speaking and found that they weren’t speaking at all, but were instead making sign language to each other, just as the deaf and dumb people did.
However, vowel sounds naturally express emotions,
Master goes on to say, and He proceeds to imitate someone who is surprised or happy making the ‘Ahh’ sound, another one who is in pain making the ‘Ohh’ sound. It is delightful to see Master animatedly acting out the different faces. In the end, Master says,
We teach children a language; God did not give us any language.
Playing with Mary He muses,
I love children,
and as Mary seems to answer by giving a happy cry, He adds,
and they love me.
28 August
Today I received a letter from Master – it was sent fifty feet from Master’s house to my house. It is a reply to the letter I had written Him from the United States at the end of July.
Part of the letter goes:
So glad you are here with dear Jim and Mary. Your long cherished desire has been fulfilled with the Grace of the Master. I am equally glad to see all you dear ones over here. Please make the best of your short stay and let it be a Divine Pilgrimage in the True Sense …
At darshan, in the evening, I thank the Master for the letter He had mailed to the guest house and He laughs.
29 August
At noontime, Jim goes over to the Master to ask Him if he can photograph a Sunday Satsang.
Yes, make photographs,
Master says,
and carry them back.
I have followed Jim over to the Master after having packed Mary on my back in a blue rucksack. Master turns quickly to me and asks if I want to talk to Him. Yes, I want to very much, but I have Mary in the rucksack, Master suddenly realises that I am carrying something, so He tries to peer around me to see it, and I am turning around to show Him. But our timing is off, so that every time Master looks over my shoulder, I have turned around to give Him a better view and whipped Mary out of sight. It is like a little game – until finally Master catches sight of the top of Mary’s head bobbing over the edge of the rucksack. He is absolutely delighted.
lt’s just like the Tibetans,
Master cries.
They also carry their babies on their backs.
He sees Mary’s foot sticking out of the rucksack and reaches for it, calling out something in Hindi to Bibi Hardevi who is in the kitchen.
Come, follow me,
He says to us and bounds ahead of us into the kitchen, where we can see Bibi quickly reach for her shawl and throw it on top of her head. Master shows her Mary who is by now grinning at Bibi. Bibi is laughing.
Everyone will be looking at you.
Master turns to me.
Are you going somewhere?
– To you,
I say.
Isn’t this too heavy for you?
I explain that it is easier than carrying the baby on my arm, for, in spite of the scorching noonday sun I am feeling fresh and happy as a lark in the early morning. Laughing, Master walks back into the reception room where another visitor is waiting for Him.
31 August
At 4 a.m. every morning, the gong rings to get us up for early morning meditation. Over in the shed, a long building, open on one side, where Satsangs and meditations are held, people quietly file in and out throughout the morning to sit in meditation. At 7.30 or 8.30 a.m., Master comes out to the shed to put those of us who are remaining into meditation. Others leave to go to work or get to their morning chores after having received Master’s darshan. After about an hour, Master returns to take us out of meditation and call those Indians who wish to come forward and tell Him their meditation experiences or bring Him their monthly diaries. The light surrounding us in the shed at this hour is usually a reflected, silvery one, and Master looks vibrant sitting cross-legged on top of a low bench and explaining with great animation and intimacy, the proper way to meditate. Although Master is always speaking in Hindi, His gestures are so emphatic and lively, we feel we are missing nothing. On the contrary, we can just sit and look into His eyes.
This morning, a 111-year old man comes to embrace Master’s feet. The old man sits so close to Master that Master has to tell him strictly to move further back. Master asks him his meditation results and an old woman turns around to Doris and me to tell us that the old man walks and talks with Master within.
Before everyone, a young man goes forward to Master bringing his last two months’ diaries. He waits reverently with clasped hands while Master looks over his diary, talks with him in detail about it, and hands it back to him. Others come forward in the same way, until finally everyone is sitting quietly.
When Master stands, all of us stand up and line the path that He is taking back to His house so that we may get His glance and look into His eyes.
Around 11 a.m. Master, accompanied by Bibi, her daughter Pushpa and a friend and Mr Mehta, who oversees the buildings, makes a surprise visit to the rooms in the guest house. Jim and I are just washing diapers, Doris is talking to Veera, Khuku’s daughter, and Mary is lying in the basket crib that Bibi provided, impatiently kicking a big bright ball. There stands Master right in the middle of us all and says laughingly to Jim,
Go on with what you’re doing.
But Jim quickly puts on a shirt and we women rush for our head shawls.
Master goes through every room and looks at them, including the bathroom. He then goes into Doris’s room where Mary is lying and He and Bibi play with her for a few minutes. Master asks Doris,
Are you meditating in this room?
When Doris answers yes, Master then asks her,
How many hours are you putting in and when do you meditate?
Master continues down the hall to Stanley and Edna Shinerock’s apartment while Jim hurries to get the movie camera. We all follow Master and wait while He walks through Stanley and Edna’s rooms and speaks briefly to Edna. Out on the veranda before their apartment He discusses work that is to be done on the guest house building, leaning far out through the door and over the veranda railing.
We all go with Him to the first floor to Jerry Turk’s apartment, then across the lawn to Khuku’s house and through the gate to Bimla’s place.
When Master was upstairs. He had said to Mary, who was on my arm,
You always come down to me; now I come up to you.
When we arrive downstairs, He turns to Mary again and comments,
And now you’ve come down again.
Hazur Sawan Singh’s former housekeeper, an elderly lady with glasses, is at evening darshan. Master, who treats the servant of His Beloved Master like a queen, offers her His chair, but she will not accept and sits at His feet.
Master asks us each as usual,
Any news?
with an inquiring look, and when as usual we look at Him quite blank and mute, He asks to have Mary moved to His feet. He and Baba Sawan Singh’s housekeeper talk to Mary and play with her for some time. Master sits her up in her green chair-box: for the first time, she remains sitting that way for quite a while. Lately, the Master has been putting His hand on the baby in different places; today it is on her back. He holds her there for a few minutes. Tonight, to our great joy, Mary puts Master’s hand into her mouth and Master smiles.
She is biting. Everything goes into her mouth.
1 September
While Doris, Jim and I are waiting to speak to Master tonight, He tells Jerry Turk that she cannot go with Him on His 21-day tour of the Punjab.
It is because of my baby friend,
He says, and goes on to explain that this trip would be too strenuous for the baby. When Jerry asks Him what we should do while He is gone, He answers,
Bhajan, bhajan, and more bhajan.
We, of course, know as well that we are not to go with Him on the tour. We are saddened; but at the same time, we know in our hearts that Master loves His children beyond their understanding and cannot and will not err in working for their Spiritual Good.
3 September
Because there is to be initiation on the following Monday, country people are arriving at the Ashram and coming to the darshan at night. We especially notice two Sikh men who appear as roguish as two dacoits: their beamy faces draw Master to them. Master and they talk and laugh together for some time. At one point, when everyone is laughing, Master turns to us mute, English-speaking folk and says,
He says he wants to eat and drink me!
4 September
Tonight as we go on the porch for darshan, Master is already out and talking to an Indian visitor in western dress. As we sit down, we are astonished to see that his fingernails are as long and curly as hair and learn that he has not cut his nails for 25 years. He is an artist who paints with these nails, and he has come to Master mainly to ask for money for his paintings and talk about his fingernails. While allowing the artist to take time to explain why he is here, Master is kind, but quite firm.
Master says,
I’m sorry, but I do not appreciate art,
and when the man make reference to us Westerners, Master says very firmly,
They are here for Spirituality only,
and looks to us with a strong protective glance. He then goes on to tell the artist that the outer forms are not important, but that what must be developed is the Inner Experience, the Inner Man.
Go within and develop the Inner Light and Sound. All beauty lies within you.
5 September
The first Monday of each month is initiation day at the Ashram. We have heard that, at these times some 65-70 people take their initiation. For the long weekend, country people come from afar and settle on the Ashram grounds, and they are fed by Master from His free kitchen.
We received permission from Master to attend the entire initiation. Part of the shed is closed off for this occasion by colourful tenting, and about 70 people wait there silently for Master to come out. When He arrives, He sits cross-legged on the large, cloth-covered bench, looks around at the people, and on seeing us, quickly arranges for us to have an interpreter. Everything becomes still, and in the stillness Master begins to speak softly and kindly:
Be seated,
He says.
Think that only you are here and your Master is here – no one else is here.
Then He begins to tell them the preliminaries to receiving initiation: worship only one God; take up those things that help on the Spiritual Path – the vegetarian diet is one of these; drinking and the taking of drugs are prohibited; chastity and control of the senses should be maintained.
Jim fell sick in the morning – a cold and high fever. Master said on hearing about it,
It will be all right. It is the season.
At night Master calls a medical doctor – an out-of-town Satsangi – who treats Jim right under Master’s eyes in His reception room. As the doctor gives Jim a painful injection in the arm, Master encourages Jim:
It doesn’t hurt. I get an injection every morning these days.
Tonight at darshan, Master slaps Mary lightly and fondly on the cheek. It reminds me of the confirmation that Catholic children get from the Bishop: the slap on the cheek, a symbol of toughening up the child to face life.
When I have to leave Master’s porch to get Jim for the doctor, the Father says to Mary at His feet,
And you are staying here? Yes, you are at home here.
On the porch, after darshan, Doris asks Master if it might not be possible for her to go on the tour – in order to be sure that every effort has been made to open her wishes to Master. Master answers quite firmly no, that it will be too strenuous for her and that if He stops three days or more in one place, He will call for us.
6 September
Master departs for the Punjab. Last-minute preparations are being made for Master’s departure. We learn that Jerry Turk is going on the tour and that she will drive in Master’s car. How fortunate! Jerry is radiant as her things are packed away on the car and she joins us on Master’s porch where we are waiting to get Master’s glance before He leaves. We wait for some time, for departure has been moved ahead until after lunch, and we catch glimpses of Master deftly preparing bundles of literature, sitting on the floor giving last-minute interviews, moving quickly to and from His office to the bedroom. He leaves nothing undone.
When He comes out, He raises His hands to His face in the usual greeting and moves along us and then down the front path through the trellis-covered gate. We hurry to stand where we may see Him once more as His car goes by, and our glances meet as He passes. The car turns out of the gate of the Ashram, crosses the bridge and disappears on the other side.